On Monday, my magical name was still Prince Thaeo Fantasia the 2nd (although already for awhile not quite fitting right – like that article of clothing you have to keep adjusting and tugging at cuz it’s just…a little off somehow). Long story how it got to be that. Had something to do with a Shih Tzu and dreams of drag king fame.
Last night I finally let the new words and images and magic that were a-brewing fall into place. And today I am coming out. As Prince Thaeo the Fierce (and sometimes Thaeo the Fucking Fierce when I fucking feel like it).
I have had the opportunity to study/learn/heal with some incredible magic-workers in my life (my term for them, not theirs, just to be clear). Recently, I took a Saturn Return Women’s Group and Leadership Workshop with Laura Close, Women’s Leadership Coach. She had us do an exercise where we asked people who know us about our gifts. I asked as many people as I could. It was so awesome to hear all of it! After we compiled our results, she asked us to pick out a gift that brought up some doubt for us. “I’m not really ______, am I?”
Mine was ‘fierce’.
Even though I had always daydreamed about being fierce, and felt envious of the fierceness I saw in others, I was hesitant to believe that I had really earned the three times that the word fierce showed up in what three separate people said about me during the exercise. Our next task: notice where that characteristic showed up for real in our lives. That, on top of the other work we were doing in the group with recognizing internalized sexism, catapulted me deep into some fiercely transformative work. And it kept unfolding.
The second cauldron that supported the evolution of my magical name was the work I do with my really amazing therapist. I’m not sure I can do justice with words to even a few of the threads in this part of the story line. But there is one moment I’d like to mark:
I am alive with agitation and anger. I speak with clear voice from a part of me I have been getting to know much better over the last months (it’s really fucking fierce at moments like these). I’m pissed about a lot of things. And fully witnessed and heard. And then I don’t remember exactly what happens next, but there is a settling. And perfectly timed words about a third image of what’s possible, less polarized than the ones I had before (how do these magic-workers do the magical things they do? I don’t know). And rather suddenly I have a clear image of myself as animal.
Everything else slips away and I am inside my skin, imagining myself stalking the person who killed two of my beloved kin in a random act of violence. Survival. Bared teeth and the anticipation of tearing flesh. And all the while my God Soul is watching, keeping me connected to the Divine. And the space is still being tended. And it’s just a flash of a moment.
And then I’m swaying with a pulsing, grounded calm. I am not hearing words, just rhythm. The ferocious protector takes up her rightful place. Right size. Right power.
I see you much more clearly. I need you. To aid me in protecting my people, including me and all of my parts. I love the way I can feel the hum of your energy inside me consistently now. Welcoming that hum helps me feel alive in the face of danger. So grateful to know I have you forever.
…And I can hold it all. I can hold my compassion, patience, forgiveness, sense of justice, responsiveness, playfulness, creativity… and still be fierce.
Thaeo the fucking Fierce